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[twin_blade]

Um, right.

*BEEP*

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[twin_blade]

[ He's certain Dion's friend is better at flyting than Vax would be. As much as he might have wanted to help Dion, Vax knows his presence only made things worse as Puckston's jealousy grew. They don't have to concern themselves over him or that world again, at least.

When Dion lifts his arms, Vax isn't even sure what Dion is doing at first. Once it registers what he's offering, Vax blushes a little and glances at the bookshelf, taking the first text his fingers make contact with and holding it in his hands to occupy them. ]

It's kind of you to offer, but I won't ask you to do that. I'm fine.

[ Vax appreciates the intention deeply, since he knows that's not really a natural gesture for his friend. For a moment, he remembers the tomb and how it went when he hugged Dion there, and how he worried the gesture was awkward and unwanted. Dion shows he cares in other ways. But Vax also doesn't want Dion to offer to hug him just for his sake. If he steps into someone's arms, Vax wants to feel as if he's wanted there, and not to receive a conciliatory pat on the back.

Besides, Vax thinks if he were to lean on someone, he just might break. ]

[oblige]

[ His eyes follow that book. It strikes him as something of a barrier, and Dion has a lifelong familiarity with the many forms those can take. They're nothing new to him, yet he finds he hadn't expected to be confronted with one.

But he's well-trained to accept the futility they represent. Accordingly, he lets his hands sink back down, and his line of sight with them. ]

I'm not trying to be kind, I simply thought—

[ He cuts himself off and dismisses his own thought with a shake of his head, staightening his posture. The proper thing to do is simply accept the response he'd been given. ]

Pay it no mind.

[ Others were more suited than he is. Perhaps they have something he lacks, and he's simply not built for this sort of thing. It was just that he felt compelled to try. ]

I'll see about a meal, then.

[ He takes his quiet sense of failure with him as he retreats to the kitchen. Occupying himself allows him time to bury that feeling.

It serves no productive end, and he's surprised it's even there. ]

[twin_blade]

[ When Dion lowers his hands and looks away, it breaks Vax's heart further than he thought it could be broken by now. Vax's fingers grip the book in his hands as he waits for Dion to finish his words, but then he cuts himself off and dismisses it. ]

You thought what?

[ Vax asks after him, before Dion can get too far. If it was not a gesture out of mere kindness, then why did he feel compelled to offer? ]

[oblige]

[ Vax's voice follows him, so Dion halts. His first reflex is to reinforce the dismissal of his own thought, deeming it far less important than Vax's feelings and present circumstance.

Yet he knows his friend, and he hasn't forgotten how easily Vax could find a pessimistic interpretation.

Trying not to burden him might well have the opposite effect. So he composes himself as best he can and faces Vax again. ]

We may not be the same in this, but I was reminded of how often I was expected to be fine. Required, for that matter. Yet pain unanswered wore on longer than I believe it may have otherwise.

[ There was naught for it, in Dion's case. When it grew unbearable, he leaned on Terence, though that support wasn't always as relieving as he hoped. Sometimes, instead, he felt guilty for putting that weight on him. ]

And I thought, perhaps, it might help you were I to reach out. I wanted to, were that the case... But I couldn't know whether I might impose were I to simply do so.

[ The explanation seems wanting, yet he's unsure how else to articulate it. Growing up, he couldn't be seen to favor anyone, lest his father think they would have influence over Bahamut. So he didn't reach, and no one else did. ]

I'd rather not misjudge and make matters worse for you.

[twin_blade]

[ Despite having the support of his friends, Vax tends to carry his burdens alone. He gets distant or he runs from things. That response is not always the best, and he knows it. Had Dion dismissed his question, there would have been a very strong urge to take his leave.

Hearing Dion speak of his past and his own lack of support makes Vax regret his response. He turns briefly to put the book back on the shelf and steps closer to Dion. ]

You could never impose, Dion. I thought.. you felt obligated. Or that it was expected of you. That it was just for my sake.

[ Because that's the sort of thing one does for someone who's in pain. Vax looks down, his right hand clenching his left wrist. ]

You've already helped. But if you hold me, it should be because you want to hold me.

[oblige]

I was raised with the opposite of that expectation, so I think it quite impossible that I would feel some moral imperative to hold someone.

[ Dion says it simply, because it is the truth. Perhaps others felt pressured to do these things, but he wouldn't know what that was like.

Not to mention, there is something Vax wouldn't know about him, because he naturally hasn't encountered it. He might benefit from hearing it, Dion reasons. ]

It would be obvious, besides. My posture becomes rigid when I'm unwilling or uncomfortable with contact.

[ Like a cat that wasn't prepared to be held, the difference would be plain. Dion's hardly good at pretending in that way, and he knows this of himself. ]

[twin_blade]

[ Vax nods a little, eyes still downcast, and his voice a mere whisper. ]

I'm sorry I misjudged you.

[ His hands are shaking, and he's clenching his wrist to keep the tremors from taking over the rest of him. Has he offended Dion? Vax will consider it further when he can think straight. ]

[oblige]

[ Dion's line of sight flicks down to Vax's hands, brow furrowing at that tremor. He can't help but wonder if, rather than reassure him, he has instead made matters worse.

That concern spurs him to place a hand over one of Vax's, though he's not entirely sure whether that will help either. ]

You've done naught to apologize for.

[ He's only seen what sides of him he has. How could Dion fault him for it? ]

I think it is I who should ask your forgiveness, for it seems I've made you feel worse.

[twin_blade]

[ Vax shakes his head quickly. He doesn't want Dion to feel as if he's done something wrong, too. Vax is more than willing to carry the blame for his misunderstanding.

The touch is a relief, though, as is the reassurance that Dion isn't upset with him. ]

No, I just.. think I should sit down for a minute.

[ Or lie down, maybe. After a week of misery, Vax may have pushed himself as far as he can go. ]

[oblige]

[ It might have been too much talk given the circumstances, Dion supposes. He still thinks he isn't the best at this, but he keeps that to himself. ]

Of course. Please, make yourself comfortable.

[ He punctuates his words by gesturing toward the sofa. ]

[twin_blade]

[ Maybe they're both not good at this. Dion may not be the best at giving comfort and Vax is not the best at accepting it. Were their roles reversed, perhaps this would go more smoothly for the both of them.

Looking down, Vax moves his hands to take the one Dion had placed against his, holding it for several seconds before lifting his gaze to Dion's face. ]

Is it too late for that hug?

[ His question is accompanied with a weary smile. ]

[oblige]

[ Dion glances down at their hands, wondering whether Vax might be trying to make him feel better now. In such a time as this, that shouldn't be the case.

His first answer is to lift his remaining hand to press over one of Vax's. He looks to his friend's face again, smiling softly in return. ]

Of course it isn't.

[ It never would be, in Vax's case. Not so long as he'd welcome it, at least. ]

[twin_blade]

[ Yes, Vax is trying to comfort Dion. Doing so makes him feel better, since Vax felt terrible once he saw the look on Dion's face after he refused that hug. Dion may be hard to read at times, but Vax never wants to hurt his feelings. He meant it when he said Dion is his closest friend.

When Dion affirms a hug is still on the table, Vax gently releases Dion's hand so he can step closer. First, his hands move to rest on Dion's arms, as if testing the waters, before he takes a half-step in to close the gap and wrap his arms softly around his friend. ]

[oblige]

[ Dion returns that hug more naturally than he did in the tomb. This time he knows it's coming, for one thing. For another, he hopes it might do Vax some good. His sister may yet return, but it's no surprise that he feels that loss keenly.

It's a gentle hold, as they tend to be with Dion. Something easily disengaged from if Vax sees fit to. ]

I'm sorry she has vanished.

[ He means it, because of course he does. ]

[twin_blade]

[ In his arms, Dion might notice Vax has lost a little weight.

Vax tucks his chin against Dion's shoulder a bit, his fingers curling into the back of his shirt when he offers his condolences. ]

I always knew it would be harder to have her here and lose her than not see her at all.

[ Not that he wishes he hadn't seen her, but it's like a piece of him has been cut away. One he had just gotten used to existing without. ]

[oblige]

[ Dion does notice that Vax seems leaner than before. It's something he notes for later consideration, when he can try to do something about it.

For as much as his own abundance of feeling can privately plague him, he wonders if it might not be even more true of Vax. ]

A standing absence and feeling it afresh do strike one differently.

[ He's experienced it multiple times, in differing forms. Vax's sister, too, had spoken of regaining her brother only to lose him again.

It seems to him like a wound being reopened. ]

It's a cruel thing to subject people to.

[twin_blade]

I'm not the only one.

[ He shouldn't allow himself to suffer when others have gone through the same thing. Many people have lost those they care about while existing in Etraya. He should be preparing for the next mission, not wallowing in misery. He knows this. It's just hard not to feel the loss of his sister so strongly. And Percy must be an absolute wreck.

Vax knows he should probably let go. He can't just keep holding Dion in his living room, right? But he can't help but linger just a little longer. Reluctant to step away from the warm body he's leaning in to. ]

[oblige]

True, but that doesn't mean that what you feel matters any less.

[ Dion debates for a collection of moments, unsure how to negotiate Vax's cloak. He doesn't want to ruffle his feathers in the literal sense.

After consideration, he cautiously smooths a hand over Vax's back, where his shoulder blades would be. He shouldn't put any feathers out of place this way, probably. ]

Nor that you must contend with it a certain way.

[twin_blade]

[ Vax knows he wouldn't fault anyone else for being upset. How many times did he comfort Clive when he lost those dear to him? Vax never judged him for needing comfort or for his tears, but he can't help but feel ashamed of himself for it, even if he'd see no shame in others. He's supposed to be the Champion of Ravens. Loss is a part of what he serves. If he cannot move on, how can he expect anyone else to? ]

Maybe. But I need to be stronger than this.

[ The thoughts are troublesome. He just wants to hide in Dion's shoulder. The touch against his back is soothing, though. The mantle of Vax's cloak is smoothed over, soft feathers felt under Dion's hand, as well as Vax's hair, which is long in the back and rests over his shoulders. As critical as Vax might be of himself, the touch helps ease the tremble in his breath. ]

[oblige]

[ It's a familiar sentiment. Long had Dion found himself wanting, believing he'd not met some standard when he should have. He was his people's defender, so he should have been stronger. Needed to be.

But with time and distance from that role, he's had ample time to think. That led him to question, and so he asks Vax something he has asked himself. ]

What would being stronger look like?

[ Their answers to that may be wildly different. Dion couldn't be certain. Regardless of what Vax's reply might be, Dion continues to run his hand over his friend's back at the same slow, measured pace. It seems to be helping him, so he hopes it does. ]

[twin_blade]

[ What would it look like? Vax isn't sure he has an answer to that question. To be so comfortable with loss he would not break down and feel the pain of it... To find beauty in it. What would he have to become? An angel of death in a storm of raven feathers? Something beyond human and beyond feeling.

Blinking slowly, Vax's eyes stare blankly over Dion's shoulder. That's when he sees a reflection pass over the glass of the balcony door. A withered wraith in the Matron's armor, hollow eyed and mouth agape in a scream.

A sharp gasp, and Vax tucks his face against Dion's neck, shutting his eyes to the sight and clutching his friend harder. ]

[oblige]

[ Dion stills, glancing over his shoulder as best he can. It doesn't afford him much of a view, and he gives up on it in favor of shooting Vax a concerned look. Or rather, his hair, given this is what he can see of him at this vantage point.

First the shaking, now this... ]

When was the last time you had decent rest?

[ He asks, voice soft, because it's clear that something had unnerved his friend just now. All that he has observed suggests that Vax hasn't cared for himself for this past week at least. ]

[twin_blade]

[ When was the last time he had decent rest? Or food? Or peace? Is he losing his mind? ]

I don't.. I don't know.

[ Vax takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, then lifts his chin and eases back a little. One hand comes around to rub his weary eyes, which look red and strained. ]

Maybe I should go home. I could use a shower to clear my head and a couple hours of shut-eye. Then.. some food. Or food, then..

[ He's trying to think straight, but Vax knows he can't go on like this. ]

[oblige]

[ Vax has neglected himself long enough that he can't place the time. Dion's lips thin at the thought, but he may have been little different were he not a Dominant.

Maintaining himself had been part of his duty to his people.

He lets his hand drop if only briefly, then places one on Vax's shoulder. ]

As you once offered me the same, might you not stay here for the night? I can prepare something for you to eat, and you can bathe.

[ Something simple and mild would be best, he thinks, since Vax may not recall when he ate last either. ]

[twin_blade]

[ Vax nearly objects, but even if he's not the smartest sometimes, he does learn. Dion wouldn't make that offer unless he wanted to. ]

That.. sounds good. Thank you.

[ In actuality, Vax doesn't really want to be alone, anyway. ]